When disaster struck again in our family, one of my major concerns were my children. I wanted them to digest all the news emotionally, but I knew that I (the cause) was the wrong person to help them. So my husband took them to see a psychologist. The result was quite surprising.
By shaping my future actively I felt I had lost a bit of the victim status that cancer patients usually have. I was thinking about my last will and my patient decree. I really needed to know how I would deal with things in advance, because I had my children to think of. I needed to know the truth and I needed to be realistic. It was then that another unexpected disaster struck…
I am still so new to blogging and I am just loving it. But something that really annoys me is looking for the right pictures that go with my entries. I do not want to focus on white women, yet I find significantly fewer photos of men. If I explicitly search for African or Asian people, I obtain images which often reflect cultural stereotypes.
My body felt alienated. I had to force myself to take care of it, but I felt obliged because of my pregnancy. Meditation helped a bit, though sleep was my preferred escape. I decided to stop bothering about the consequences of each and everything I did. Taking all the risks into account would mean ceasing to exist. And if something “caused cancer”,… well; I already had cancer, so what?
Coping was difficult though, especially when I went back to the grindstone after our holiday. As much as the trip had been a preparation for the practicalities of my future life as a chronic disease patient, it had been an escape. I was not only a cancer victim, I was also in the early stages of a pregnancy and I had no idea if I was going to be able to give birth to the baby. It was an intangible situation – I felt life and death were embracing me at the same time.
One of the first decisions I had taken after having been confronted with my diagnosis of chronic lymphocytic leukemia was not to cancel the trip to Southern Caucasus we had planned. But, I have to admit that during our trip to Turkey, Georgia and Armenia (a backpacking trip by the way), I was still under shock.