A humoristic astrological approach to Cancer

Have you ever wondered how the different star signs deal with cancer? Or how Mr. or Mrs. Cancer copes with them? Then read on….

(For additional resources on how to accurately and non-discriminatory report on Mr. or Mrs. Cancer by protecting his or her age, color, culture, disability, ethnic, gender, medical condition, nationality, appearance, race, religion, sexual identity, sexual orientation, or social class please see “on Cancer”)

ARIES are known to be natural born warriors. They will regard their cancer diagnosis to be the ultimate challenge. Their fiery nature helps them being motivated during the battle. They will keep on fighting until the end. If I were Mr. Cancer, I would certainly not choose an Aries for an enemy.

TAURUS is an Earth sign, enjoying food and physical comfort. Their body and the pleasures it provides mean a lot to this star sign. If this body is ailing, a Taurus will rather turn to chicken noodle soup than try out alternative diets. The endurance and perseverance of Taurus should not be underestimated, so I would not choose Taurus for an enemy if I were Mrs. Cancer.

GEMINI is an upbeat, lighthearted air sign with a strong need for news and information. If they are diagnosed with cancer, they will find out everything about it and manage to get access to the most up to date and relevant medical treatment. Their mental creativity knows no limits – so if I were Mr. Cancer I would think twice before choosing a Gemini for an enemy.

CANCER is one of the most emotional star signs. Its element is water; an underrated weapon. In the long term it will find its way through any obstacle and demolish them bit by bit. Just wait and see: If Mrs. Cancer attacks her enemy for psychological reasons, as some people tend to think, she will probably drown in the ocean of feelings of a true Cancer.

LEO knows that the world is a stage, and each must play his or her part. But this fiery sign will always go for a happy ending, so Mr. Cancer simply doesn’t stand a chance. Dragged to the stage where Leos are the undisputed heroes, Mr. Cancer’s part is reduced to be a little villain.

VIRGO is such a sensible and health-conscious star sign. They will probably prevent a fight with Mrs. Cancer in the first place by having regular check-ups and choosing a wholesome lifestyle. Mrs. Cancer loves sugar? Virgos will reduce their sugar intake to zero in a blink of an eye. Should Mrs. Cancer decide to opt for a Virgo, she must prepare for lots of suffering and eventual defeat.

LIBRA, this lovely and level star sign, seems too good to be true. No wonder its love for romance and beauty are attractive for the whole zodiac. In case Mr. Cancer falls for Libra, he might be balanced out of his enemy’s life in such a charming way one couldn’t possibly call it a battle.

SCORPIO is a star sign that shouldn’t be taken lightly. It’s “either-or” for them. Should Mrs. Cancer attack it is rather evident that she will lose against this courageous enemy, who might not win each battle, but usually wins the war in the long term. Scorpios have tremendous regenerative powers and are extremely resourceful. Beware, Mrs. Cancer!

SAGITTARIUS is the most philosophical star sign of all. When attacked by Mr. Cancer, this fiery sign will search for a meaning at first. Optimistic and powerful, Sagittarius might end up with the conclusion that Mr. Cancer was meant to be demolished. And then they will go for it. If I were Mr. Cancer, I would not chose a Sagittarius for an enemy. Prepare for some existential angst!

CAPRICORN is known to be extraordinarily ambitious and tough. This earth sign never gives in – ever. It just continues its path up to the mountain’s peak, apparently unbothered by minor battles and defeats. If I were Mrs. Cancer, I would not choose a Capricorn for an enemy, because the air up there in the mountains can be rather thin.

AQUARIUS is the rebel of the zodiac. You never know what this air sign is up to – if attacked by Mr. Cancer, they might start to “be-friend their disease” or alternatively “fight cancer with lollipops”. It does not really matter which weapon these original people are going to choose – they will certainly surprise Mr. Cancer all the time until he simply gives in.

PISCES…. you might say, they are dreamers. And you are right. But the fantastical world of Pisces seems to be more real than reality sometimes, so watch out, Mrs. Cancer! In astrological symbolism there are two fish: one going left, the other one right, which makes them a bit difficult to catch for Mrs. Cancer. If she gets hold on both (which is rare, as one might swim in the water, the other fly up in the clouds) she will have to face the fact that they are extremely slippery.

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